This is the world that [I] live in...

I’m now in a worse state than I was before. 

Time to read I guess…

I hope he sees this and asks about it. I want to talk about it, only with him, but there’s no use in talking about it, but I want to. Does this ramble make sense? 

how much I can completely hate someone. 

I was at The Penguin’s for the majority of the day yesterday. We walked to 7-11 for our free Slurpee, went to Costco so he could develop his film, and walked to the vet to pick up his cat some food. Then we went to California Chicken Cafe. I don’t know what happened upon walking in but I felt my emotions shifting. Then the cashier, I don’t know, I just really didn’t like her. Anyways, I was irritated for some unknown reason. Then in the car ride back to his place The Penguin asked if it was his fault and I informed him it wasn’t, that I have no reason. I just became angry for some reason. After this short conversation I felt better.

Back at his house he asked me to tell him whether it is his fault or not when I am angry. This way he won’t keep thinking about what he did wrong. I agreed.

Then we got on our computers and began playing Plants Vs. Zombies (we’ve been obsessed). I stopped playing, decided I wanted to be with him while I was there, not on my computer. So  turned my computer off and moved over to cuddle with him. He was on Facebook and watching some video about protons and electrons and about matter and how there are different life opportunities but we don’t know that because we only have the chance for one. Anyways, he was about to message his friend but then decided to close it and be with me. Then I don’t know what happened. I just remember laying my head on his lap, then I started crying. The kind where your face gets all twisted and you want to heave with the sobs. I don’t know what he was thinking but he was laughing, I suppose he thought it was  joke. So I started laughing because I had no idea what was happening. I was crying with no obvious cause and I couldn’t stop. So I was stuck between laughing at/hating myself for crying with  no reason and wanting him to hold me while I finished crying. 

I eventually stopped. I came to the conclusion that I simply needed a good emotional cry. I haven’t cried like that in a while and perhaps my body/mind needed it.  

But then everything seemed awkward to me. He had the face where something is bothering him and he doesn’t want to tell me, the way he talked seemed so distant and it was awkward. Then we cleaned up a bit and started hugging and he smiled a bit and everything seems okay. However, once again I started getting these bad vibes. I went home. Once I got settled in we started texting.

At first it seems okay but then it got weird again. I suppose he fell asleep and I sent him a text saying it feels weird and to call me in the morning. 

He called me this morning and we’ve never been so awkward on the phone. We didn’t have anything to say to each other and it was quiet. So… I said, “I guess we’ll text now,” before we got more awkward and my mind went even more insane. I didn’t say “I love you” I wanted him to say it first. When he just hung up I expected a text, he usually sends one saying it if he didn’t say it in the conversation. But no. It still feels awkward and uncomfortable to me and I don’t understand it. I wish I did.